New Charlie Kaufman Movies In Production

As many of you know, I have an uncle who works in Hollywood who gets me all kinds of inside information that you don't have access to.  Like did you know that Brad Pitt is really fat but they just paint him completely green and green screen him out of every movie he's in and superimpose this other actor in his place later so that all that's left of Brad Pitt is his acting?  

Well I also happen to know the titles of all these Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation, etc.) movies currently in production that I just can't wait to see.  Here they are in a very non-particular order:

 

• When In Roman Polanski
  

 

• If I Had a Nicholson For Every Time…
  

 

• Murder, She Wray Charles

• Being Martin's Shorts
  

• Helening for Hunt

 

• This Monkey’s Gone To Kevin (Spacey)
  

 

• I Wish I Was in Oscar Wilde’s Weiner
  

 

• Sinchslytrwoiqbvcmzaiopwpanzmcxnbvnbzvfg, New York

•  In a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a

Real Life Quotes

Sick and tired of hearing about the great things that great people have said that changed the world forever?  Well read on.  This is a not so great little collection of things that real people just like you have said, why they said them, but not how they said them.  You'll have to imagine the how part, but I think using the provided information you'll probably get it.  Don't quote me on that.

"You'll probably get it."  

-Aaron Eves' blog entry Jan. 25th, 2010

“Two can play this game.”  

-Nintendo’s CEO seeing Mariokart for the first time.  As he found out later, actually four can play this game.

 

“It sounds like it’s coming from up here.”  

-A woman and her friend just before they discover that the unsettling drafty, howling noise coming from the attic is just her husband hiding out listening to a Great Lake Swimmers album.

 

“Thanks a lot Mr. Smarty Pants.”  

-World Vision thanking Stephen Hawking for making a more than generous cash donation.

 

“Oh, thank God.”  

-A man who forgot to feed his cat in the morning coming home at lunch to discover that not only was his little Muffin still alive, but she also seemed to not give a fuck whether or not he was alive.

 

“I didn’t go to Harvard for this.”  

-Two space men in orbit around earth arguing over the last freeze dried neapolitan ice cream block.

 

“Mom and Dad gave it to both of us for our Birthday.”  

-Identical twins having another ownership debate.

 

“I love Nine Inch Nails.”  

-A Marilyn Manson fan.

 

“I think George Lucas’ CGI additions to the original Star Wars trilogy actually make it better.”  

-George Lucas

 

“Push me higher daddy!”  

-A little girl hugging her knees and making her father roll her up a hill. 

 

“I can keep this up as long as you can.”

-A teacher deflecting hundreds of little punches from the “problem kid” in her class.

 

“You don’t know the meaning of the word pain!”  

-A mother telling her newborn baby all the things he doesn’t know yet.

 

“I’m going to make you wish you were never born.”  

-A hypnotist getting back at an old high school bully.

My Favorite Greetings

How's up?  I really like bumping into people on the street, but my favorite part of the interaction is hearing their choice of greeting.  In no particular order, here is a short list of some of my favorite greetings.

"Hello."

"Hi."

"How's it going?"

"What's Up?"

"Well, well, well.  Who do we have here?"

"Hey guy."

"Hi-O."

"Hey Aaron, long time no see.  You look like you're hiding something."

"Aaron?  Sorry, you look so different I couldn't tell if it was you.  It's like you've aged 10 years in 2."

"What's the password?"

"Were you followed?"

"Are you a cop?"

"Frisk him, I'm not going to let another "yesterday" happen."

"Right this way Mr. Blank.  Your usual booth?  Are you expecting company or will it just be you and Miss... I'm sorry I didn't catch your name.  Yes sir, yes sir.  My apologies.  You are correct sir.  My own affairs.  Absolutely.  Yes.  Yes.  You are correct sir, I am a worthless mud creature.  Yes.  I agree.  I should die alone in a bog.  Yes, only flies will attend my funeral."

"You got the dough?  There you are, it's been a pleasure doing business with you Mr. uh... I didn't catch your name.  Blank?  Mr. Blank.  I like that.  Well, I'll just let myself ou...  Hey what is this?  Is this a SET UP?  IS THIS A GODDAMNED SET UP?!  You son of a bitch!  I trusted you!  I TRUSTED YOU!!!"  *

*followed by loud gunshots and screaming

"Bet you didn't expect to see me alive again, did you?  It's amazing how self sufficient the human body can be when it needs to.  Stop pretending you don't know what I mean by that."

"Hello Mr. Eves, did you enjoy the ride?  You look surprised that I know your real name.  Let's just say it's amazing the things Mr. Locke will say when you put a jelly fish near his face.  Welcome to your final resting place, I hope you're comfortable because you'll be spending all of eternity here so get comfortable now because you'll be here forever so I hope you're comfortable.  Good bye."  

Commercial Slogans From the Vault #1

Here is the first installment of long forgotten commercial slogans:

"No you fucking don't."  -Eggo Waffles

"Don't eat me because I'm beautiful."  -Pantene Shampoo

"Why's the beef?"  -Wendy's 

"Food, Folks and Cheques."  -McDonald's 

"I can't tell the difference?  Can you tell the difference?  Pray for a difference."  -ABC Detergent

"Melts in your mouth, not on your head."  -M&M's

"Because you're worth nothing."  -L'Oreal

"Roliads, splels releief."  -Rolaids

"Once you pop, you just can't breathe."  -Pringles

"Strong enough for Cerberus , but made for Orthrus."  -Secret Deodorant

"The Un-Coola."  -7 Up

"Skittles, tastes like Rambo."  -Skittles

"Obey your parents."  -Sprite

"Bounty, it's the quicker thicker chicker picker upper."  -Bounty

Wild New Years Party

I know not all of you could make it this year so I'll just fill you in on what went down at the AMAZING new years party at my place.  WARNING!!!  IT WAS AN AWESOME PARTY!!!

Tim made a "jube-jube tea".  Siiiiiiiiiiiiick!

During the 10 second countdown to new years Jeff acted like he was drunk (he couldn't drink that night because he had to be in at work the next morning).

Megan did a little dance.

Alison went home early because she's manic depressive.

Martin put on a bunch of my after shave and kissed my girlfriend in the dark.

Somebody smashed my toilet and carved a little swastika in the corner of my mirror.  Same person?    

The corner of my bedroom carpet was ripped up (looks intentional).  

All of my mugs were stolen even though I hid them in my attic before everybody arrived.  This is especially annoying because I specifically hid them so this wouldn't happen.

Somebody wrote the "F" word on the playing surfaces of all my DVD's except for "Fight Club" and "Seven" which they simply stole.

My car was jokingly blown up by some guys I didn't invite.

My dog got scared by the explosion and attacked my flatscreen TV I just bought myself for Christmas.  Damage not covered by warranty.  

A body outline was painted on my bed sheets in the exact spot where I sleep every night.  Right next to the outline was a bunch of empty bottles of "uppers" and "downers" and a fake suicide note supposedly written by me.  Ha ha you guys.  Very funny.

My shampoo bottle was filled with Anti-freeze and my conditioner bottle with bleach.  

My garage door has a half dozen bullet holes in it, which doesn't matter much since it was also bent in half and ripped off its hinges.  

All the remaining pages of my Autograph Book were supposedly signed by Michael Jackson and Kurt Cobain. 

Christmas Wishes

Every year around Christmas I suddenly start calling my regular wishes "Christmas Wishes" and I assign a higher cash value to them because I love the smell of money.  Here is a list of my Christmas Wishes:

I wish my real parents were Amazon.com and ebay.

I wish I never have to perform CPR on an old gross dog.

I wish that nobody ever walks in on me while I'm changing.

I wish for ten more wishes.

I wish that people can't read my thoughts.  I really hope they can't.

I wish that time is linear so that when I die I don't have to do everything again backwards.  Especially the bathroom stuff.  

I wish my neighbor would knock it off!!!

I wish the variety store was next to my house.

I wish a chocolate bar right now.

I wish... wait... my neighbor knocked it off.  About time.

I wish all my friends from grade six didn't hate me from then on.

I wish I was born a long time ago so I could kill a redhead and not be frowned upon like what happened to a guy I'm in contact with over the internet.  

I wish I had my old rave clothes still.  Say what you will about how they look, but a guy I sort of knew from school borrowed them off me and O.D.'d in them so they're kind of special.

I wish what happened in Vegas had not followed me home from Vegas in his car.

Comments On My Blog I Have Deleted

"If I were you I'd stand in front of the mirror naked and laugh for all eternity."

"You want to know why nobody reads your blog?  Not me.  I don't want to know anything about you."

"After I read this I thought to myself "What would I write in the comments section under this post if a guy jumped out of  my laundry hamper and put a gun to my head and said I had to?"  Guess what happened right after I thought that?"

"Do people even bother to leave comments for you at all?  I wouldn't."

"Webster's Dictionary defines a comment as : a celestial body that appears as a fuzzy head usually surrounding a bright nucleus, that has a usually highly eccentric orbit, that consists primarily of ice and dust, and that often develops one or more long tails when near the sun.  So how exactly would I leave one of those, stupid?"

"When you click on enough links from porn sites the trail always leads to this blog."

"Of all the stupid, worthless blogs I've read this one was the best.  I still hated it though.  Good job.  Idiot.  Ha ha.  But really.  Keep it up.  And die."

"I had my dog sniff my computer screen when your blog was up then I set him loose at the side of the highway.  He's coming for you asshole!"  -Duke Basil Worthington of Nottingham, England

"Oh cool, you're dumb."

"You know what would be better than your blog jokes?  What I'm writing right now which isn't even a joke.  Why don't you just post this?"

"This blog is the kind of thing they would eat or have crawl all over them on Fear Factor."

"Don't quit your jay dob."  -Jay Dob

Things Overheard at an Art Opening

"He raised an interesting question about man's relationship to a vulnerable naked woman."

"What do you think he was trying to say with that one that I accidentally fell through and is going to cost me a quarter of a million dollars?"

"Did you notice that when he mentioned Leonardo DaVinci he made a jerking off motion with his hand?"

"I like the way he told me to leave the premises and kicked me out of the building.  Just a sec... Hold the exit door open please!  There, back in."

"Why did he call this one "Angel" when it is clearly a sculpture of a Demon?  I feel like I should call the police."

"I touched that one to see what it's made of and it's actually a security guard."

"Was the guy who was screaming about us not "getting it" and who tore off all his clothes and shot himself in the face the same guy who made this paper mache picnic?"

"I told you I knew it was a mirror.  Of course I know what I look like!  Drop it."

"Is that my ex-husband over there?  Funny, he never liked art when we were married, but I guess that little whore he's with likes the stuff.  HEY JASON!  NICE HEAD!  Let's hightail it out of here."

"Was that stuff written about me in the bathroom stall part of the show?  Did you see it when you went in there right before me?"

"Okay, you distract everybody then I'll grab it and run.  What do you mean it's only a sculpture of a charity donation box to send terminally ill kids to camp?"

Newly Discovered Books of the Bible

They just discovered 5 new books of the Bible that will be included in future printings!  Tell your friends you heard it here first then later you'll come back to this website and realize that absolutely everything on it is a joke and you'll feel pretty dumb.

GENESIS 2: THE END OF THE BEGINNING 

In this recently unearthed book it is written that God's uncle actually won the world in a shady poker game but didn't want to manage it and was thinking of selling it until his wife forced him to give it to his strange nephew God.  The story is eerily similar to the "Weird Al" Yankovic film UHF and even includes a passage where God makes a Twinkie wiener sandwich for his bummed out roommate.

PRE-JUDGES

Whereas the book of Judges tells the detailed history of 13 Biblical judges, Pre-Judges tells the significantly less detailed story of a man named Brent who would judge whether or not a movie was going to be any good based solely on sneak peek trailers posted on the Apple website.  

DUET - ERONOMY!

A medley of duets about Deuteronomy where it is portrayed as less of a book of the Bible and more of a code word for the nasty.  

CRAIG

Referred to in this book more often than not as "Craigers", the book of Craig is about this guy Craig who has a blonde mustache but dark hair.  Because of this people think he's a wizard or magician of some kind and come to him for all sorts of advice.  The book ends with Craig putting on sun tan lotion and falling asleep on a roof with a joint in his hand.  

REVELATIONS (real ending)

This isn't so much an entirely new book as much as it is the true ending of the Bible.  According to this recently discovered text you're supposed to get to the end of Revelations like normal, but when you flip the page it reads "FIN ?"  On the next page it says "Directed by Jean-Luc Godard".  When you close the Bible you will probably sit in silence for a moment or two before going out for coffee with the girl you read it with.  The two of you will most likely talk about its meaning and how you liked it because it didn't have a typical Hollywood ending, even though you know full well that you will probably never read it again.  When you get home you're going to be really excited because it feels like you're reading and watching things that none of your friends even know about.  You'll pick up a copy of Naked Lunch and before you even read a word you know you're going to love it.

Signs You Might Be Depressed

The winter months are coming up and for a lot of people that means a mental depression is approaching the door step and it's wearing goth makeup and you're like "there's no way I'm letting you in my house."  But it's like "I know you can't see it through my puffy blouse but I've been working out all summer and I'll force my way into your house if I have to.  So step aside little man."  I've made a list of some telltale signs that you might be depressed.

-Instead of going "Mmmmmmmmm" when you have a spoon full of delicious soup, you just let out a long sigh and whisper "kill me".

-When you go on a tour of the Hershey factory all of your questions are about employee death statistics.  

-You got a lifetime ban from the CN Tower when you tried to jump so hard you'd smash through the plexiglass floor, then you assaulted a security officer and screamed "see you on the other side muchacho."

-You picture your thoughts as being like the lovable characters from Herman's Head, but in your case they are just four rotting corpses waiting for you to demolish their apartment.

-You're single and ready for Pringles.

-You like to talk about your Will all the time, but instead of calling it your Will you call it your Won't; and you don't even have a Won't, you just like being a morbid little baby.

-You roll your eyes sarcastically throughout entire physicals.

-You throw lavish house parties and spend thousands of dollars on wine and food, always saying to your guests "I may die tonight, so I may as well die drinking some good wine!"  You always live through the night, but now all the debt is creating an actual situation.

-You think Ziggy looks like a flesh coloured bomb.

-You look at old photographs of me and think "if Aaron could just go back to that age and do everything different."  Sorry, I meant to say you look at old photographs of YOURSELF and think "if Aaron could just go back to that age and do everything different."  

-You drag your feet the entire walk to go see The Fantastic Mr. Fox.  After it's finished it takes you 40 minutes to motivate yourself to leave the theatre.