Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Hey, how's it going? Why don't I just die? The reason is so I can tell you about my recent exploits.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
"Dear Diary, where are you? Oh. All the way down there."
Thursday, January 28, 2010
As many of you know, I have an uncle who works in Hollywood who gets me all kinds of inside information that you don't have access to. Like did you know that Brad Pitt is really fat but they just paint him completely green and green screen him out of every movie he's in and superimpose this other actor in his place later so that all that's left of Brad Pitt is his acting?
- When In Roman Polanski
- If I Had a Nicholson For Every Time…
- Murder, She Wray Charles
- Being Martin's Shorts
- Helening for Hunt
- This Monkey’s Gone To Kevin (Spacey)
- I Wish I Was in Oscar Wilde’s Weiner
- Sinchslytrwoiqbvcmzaiopwpanzmcxnbvnbzvfg, New York
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Monday, January 25, 2010
“Two can play this game.”
-Nintendo’s CEO seeing Mariokart for the first time. As he found out later, actually four can play this game.
“It sounds like it’s coming from up here.”
-A woman and her friend just before they discover that the unsettling drafty, howling noise coming from the attic is just her husband hiding out listening to a Great Lake Swimmers album.
“Thanks a lot Mr. Smarty Pants.”
-World Vision thanking Stephen Hawking for making a more than generous cash donation.
“Oh, thank God.”
-A man who forgot to feed his cat in the morning coming home at lunch to discover that not only was his little Muffin still alive, but she also seemed to not give a fuck whether or not he was alive.
“I didn’t go to Harvard for this.”
-Two space men in orbit around earth arguing over the last freeze dried neapolitan ice cream block.
“Mom and Dad gave it to both of us for our Birthday.”
-Identical twins having another ownership debate.
“I love Nine Inch Nails.”
-A Marilyn Manson fan.
“I think George Lucas’ CGI additions to the original Star Wars trilogy actually make it better.”
“Push me higher daddy!”
-A little girl hugging her knees and making her father roll her up a hill.
“I can keep this up as long as you can.”
-A teacher deflecting hundreds of little punches from the “problem kid” in her class.
“You don’t know the meaning of the word pain!”
-A mother telling her newborn baby all the things he doesn’t know yet.
“I’m going to make you wish you were never born.”
Friday, January 15, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
I know not all of you could make it this year so I'll just fill you in on what went down at the AMAZING new years party at my place. WARNING!!! IT WAS AN AWESOME PARTY!!!