"Dear Diary, where are you? Oh. All the way down there."
"Dear Diary, today I did a slam dunk and nobody even cared, but then I picked up a quarter off the ground and they were all like "Whoa! I didn't know you could do that."
"Dear Diary, was it man or beast that made me?"
"Dear Diary, today I lost my temper and scattered a cloud with my flailing arms."
"Dear Diary, I have a body length only a mother could love. And the good people at Guinness."
"Dear Diary, it doesn't help that I have stubby toes."
"Dear Diary, if I'd been the first one on the moon I woulda said sumthin' like "One giant step for man, one giant leap for mankind, which is still only a small step for me."
"Dear Diary, they didn't say anything at the store, but I think my necktie is actually an old curtain."
"Dear Diary, thankfully that scare this morning was just snow and not grey hair."
"Dear Diary, I'm seriously considering jumping into space."
"Dear Diary, if you took all the leg bones out of my body and lined them up end to end they would wrap around the world three times, and yet I cry at the end of a good film just like all the normals."
"Dear Diary, I got another rejection letter from Webster's for my submission of the word "Tootall"."