Confessions!

Hey, how's it going?  Sorry about yesterday's blog post.  I know.  A Bill Clinton joke?  Why don't I just die? (you ask)  The reason is so I can tell you about my recent exploits.  

A couple days ago I did a favor for my Priest friend and filled in for him in the confessional booth while he went up north to a lake where "fuckin' nobody is around and you can just run around with no pants."  Anyway, I wrote down a bunch of the confessions I heard that day and am now going to break several levels of trust by showing you some of my favorites.  Bon appetit!

"I sold my wife a fake watch."

"I made my desktop wallpaper an image of some marijuana."

"I transcribed an Adam Sandler sketch from his first CD and showed it to a guy at work."

"To get them in the car I told my kids I was taking them to Spongebob's place even though we were really going to H&R Block to do my taxes."

"I smashed my friend's time machine out of jealousy, not because of the moral implications of him bringing ipods back to 1997  so he could be the inventor, like I told him."

"Lately my neighbor's been getting on my nerves so I threw a lightbulb at his window because I knew it would scare him but it wouldn't break his window."

"I prayed to God to give me big muscles so I could beat up those guys at school."

"The guy at the Variety Store didn't notice I had brought up a pack of Twizzlers with a V8 fusion and only charged me for the fusion and I didn't correct him."

"I'm the one who knew about 9/11, not Bush."

"Whenever I talk to men I always think 'Hmmmmm, how much money does this guy have?' instead of 'He's a nice guy, maybe I should give him a chance.'"

"I wrote the F word on a competitor's Go-Kart."

"I took a french course for a full year because I had a crush on a married woman.  Where did I think it could go?  So stupid.  And she told me as much."

"I refer to my kids as "the trolls" to all my friends."

"Whenever I get in a fight with my daughter I always call up my Dad and tell him that I wish he was never born so that I was never born so that my daughter was never born."  

"I always brag to my friends about my penis."

"I gave the middle finger to the google truck when I was in Paris and now it's on google earth."

"I hid up in a tree and yelled out "conformist" to everybody who walked by."

"At SEARS this weekend I put my phone number in all the women's jean's pockets that were in the size of the kind of woman I would like to meet."

"Even though I'm 36, this past Christmas eve I stayed up all night just to see once and for all that Santa doesn't exist... I mean I know he doesn't exist but just to make FOR SURE for sure, you know?  Otherwise I'm just taking other people's word on it and that doesn't sound very scientific to me."

"I fired a gun off into a cloud and accidentally killed a hang glider."

"I told a police officer I was speeding because I had diarrhea and he let me go, but the real reason was there was no reason."

"I started a thread on the Red Hot Chili Pepper's message board called I THINK THEIR NEW STUFF SUCKS."