Monday, November 23, 2009

Newly Discovered Books of the Bible

They just discovered 5 new books of the Bible that will be included in future printings!  Tell your friends you heard it here first then later you'll come back to this website and realize that absolutely everything on it is a joke and you'll feel pretty dumb.


In this recently unearthed book it is written that God's uncle actually won the world in a shady poker game but didn't want to manage it and was thinking of selling it until his wife forced him to give it to his strange nephew God.  The story is eerily similar to the "Weird Al" Yankovic film UHF and even includes a passage where God makes a Twinkie wiener sandwich for his bummed out roommate.


Whereas the book of Judges tells the detailed history of 13 Biblical judges, Pre-Judges tells the significantly less detailed story of a man named Brent who would judge whether or not a movie was going to be any good based solely on sneak peek trailers posted on the Apple website.  


A medley of duets about Deuteronomy where it is portrayed as less of a book of the Bible and more of a code word for the nasty.  


Referred to in this book more often than not as "Craigers", the book of Craig is about this guy Craig who has a blonde mustache but dark hair.  Because of this people think he's a wizard or magician of some kind and come to him for all sorts of advice.  The book ends with Craig putting on sun tan lotion and falling asleep on a roof with a joint in his hand.  

REVELATIONS (real ending)

This isn't so much an entirely new book as much as it is the true ending of the Bible.  According to this recently discovered text you're supposed to get to the end of Revelations like normal, but when you flip the page it reads "FIN ?"  On the next page it says "Directed by Jean-Luc Godard".  When you close the Bible you will probably sit in silence for a moment or two before going out for coffee with the girl you read it with.  The two of you will most likely talk about its meaning and how you liked it because it didn't have a typical Hollywood ending, even though you know full well that you will probably never read it again.  When you get home you're going to be really excited because it feels like you're reading and watching things that none of your friends even know about.  You'll pick up a copy of Naked Lunch and before you even read a word you know you're going to love it.

1 comment:

  1. Aaron,

    I asked about the missing Bible books when I went to the Dead Sea Scrolls Exhibit at the ROM and they looked at me like I had 6 heads. They asked me if I could quote a single passage from the book of "Craigers" and I ended up feeling like an idiot. Any quotes you might have would be extremely helpful since I made a fifty dollar bet with the tour guide. Either that, or if you just have $50.00. Thanks.

    Your brother,