Wednesday, May 6, 2015


Ever go to buy someone a card but everything at the store is so vague and impersonal you may as well just give them a five dollar bill with the words "I could be anybody and so could you" written on it?  Well fret not, I've taken it upon myself to write a list of specific greeting card messages, one for every occasion imaginable!

Heard that thing you invented bit off your fingers.  Christ.  That's insane.

Congratulations on jumping the creek!  It was a boy who took the leap, but a man who landed on the other side in some mud, slid forward a bit, lost his balance, twisted around and fell face first in dog shit.

Sorry to hear about your husband and the mysterious circumstances surrounding his freak parachute malfunction.  So random.  Anyway, you should probably just believe the coroner's report and not look any deeper into the matter because all that's important is I think you're really great ;-)

Thanks for convincing me that what I'm experiencing is indeed reality and not some video game being played by my mom 8000 years in the future.  It really helped.

Happy 40th, buddy!  Can you believe that in just six months time this card is going to be the only proof you ever walked this scorched earth?  Like, not even dental records, pal.  Think about that the next time you don't invite me to your 40th.

A quick thank you for the throat tattoo you gave my favourite grandson!

I want to let you know how sorry I am that I accidentally summoned a demon in our basement, okay?  Just, please come home.  I've patched up his portal with cement and it's holding up, even against all of his banging as he tries to break through again.  Laugh throughout the night all he likes, he's not getting back in.  Come home.

Writing to thank you once again for the present you gave my wife and I (still can't believe we're married!) on our wedding day; really thoughtful of you.  This is a little embarrassing to ask so many weeks later but, like, were we supposed to feed them?  Because the lovebirds are dead now.  Not blaming you, just... the lovebirds are dead.

Dropping you a line to ask if it was you who went to the bathroom next to my CD shelf?  It was somebody.  Was it you?

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