Ways You Can Tell If Someone's a Cop

Does it seem like someone you know is a raging asshole?  Don't fret, they may just be an officer of the law.  Here are some ways you can tell for sure:

When they pull you over for speeding they are in a police car wearing a police uniform.

Their husband / wife hates them.

They get a boner watching people shoplift.  

Whenever someone tries to pass a joint to them at a party they say "No thanks, but it's not because I'm a cop or something.  I'm not a cop."  Then they ask to use a phone and five minutes later the cops show up.

Their google search history includes sites such as "stupid arrested faces", "hot arrested people", "black and white striped form hugging female pyjamas" and "do murderers sleep with cops?"

When you're out on a nature walk with them they say "Freeze asshole.  Isn't the view stunning?"

They tell you that the Police song "Every Breath You Take" is about a cop on a stakeout.

When you spit on the ground around them they say "Legally don't ever do that around me again."  

They say "finally" under their breath when Han Solo gets encased in carbonite, then "oh, come on." when he's freed.  

Whenever they walk past a pretty girl they say "I'd tase that."

When talking about the kind of girl they'd like to meet they say "Nobody too high maintenance, just somebody standard issue."

Bad Driving Maneuvers

Have you ever found yourself in outer space in your car?  Believe it or not, you are a bad driver then.  Here are other sure fire ways to tell if you are the driving equivalent of an idiot.  

- U-Turning when it's not you turn.

- Driving a Me Crazy on a road designated for cars and trucks.

- Slamming on the brakes while transporting wobbly ice cream cones.

- Pretending your car is a turd.

- Only driving North.

- Mistaking the Sun for an all day amber light.

- Following a bee.  Into the hive.  Becoming a drone.  

- Honking exclusively when you're horny

- Signaling only when you think it's "cool" to do so.

- Trying to make crossing guards laugh by nudging kids into the middle of the intersection with your SUV.

- Trying to even out that flat wheel by putting a drink coaster under it.  

- Humorously filling your gas tank with Jolt Cola just so when somebody points it out to you you can say "D'oh" in a Homer Simpson voice.

- When getting a speeding ticket you dump a can of beans out the driver's window so when the police officer walks up to your window you can say "Okay, who spilled the beans that I was speeding?" or "Lick up that slop, piggy."

Tall Man's Diary Entries

"Dear Diary, where are you?  Oh.  All the way down there."

"Dear Diary, today I did a slam dunk and nobody even cared, but then I picked up a quarter off the ground and they were all like "Whoa!  I didn't know you could do that."

"Dear Diary, was it man or beast that made me?"

"Dear Diary, today I lost my temper and scattered a cloud with my flailing arms."

"Dear Diary, I have a body length only a mother could love.  And the good people at Guinness."

"Dear Diary, it doesn't help that I have stubby toes."

"Dear Diary, if I'd been the first one on the moon I woulda said sumthin' like "One giant step for man, one giant leap for mankind, which is still only a small step for me."

"Dear Diary, they didn't say anything at the store, but I think my necktie is actually an old curtain."

"Dear Diary, thankfully that scare this morning was just snow and not grey hair."

"Dear Diary, I'm seriously considering jumping into space."

"Dear Diary, if you took all the leg bones out of my body and lined them up end to end they would wrap around the world three times, and yet I cry at the end of a good film just like all the normals."

"Dear Diary, I got another rejection letter from Webster's for my submission of the word "Tootall"."

New Charlie Kaufman Movies In Production

As many of you know, I have an uncle who works in Hollywood who gets me all kinds of inside information that you don't have access to.  Like did you know that Brad Pitt is really fat but they just paint him completely green and green screen him out of every movie he's in and superimpose this other actor in his place later so that all that's left of Brad Pitt is his acting?  

Well I also happen to know the titles of all these Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation, etc.) movies currently in production that I just can't wait to see.  Here they are in a very non-particular order:

 

• When In Roman Polanski
  

 

• If I Had a Nicholson For Every Time…
  

 

• Murder, She Wray Charles

• Being Martin's Shorts
  

• Helening for Hunt

 

• This Monkey’s Gone To Kevin (Spacey)
  

 

• I Wish I Was in Oscar Wilde’s Weiner
  

 

• Sinchslytrwoiqbvcmzaiopwpanzmcxnbvnbzvfg, New York

•  In a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a

Real Life Quotes

Sick and tired of hearing about the great things that great people have said that changed the world forever?  Well read on.  This is a not so great little collection of things that real people just like you have said, why they said them, but not how they said them.  You'll have to imagine the how part, but I think using the provided information you'll probably get it.  Don't quote me on that.

"You'll probably get it."  

-Aaron Eves' blog entry Jan. 25th, 2010

“Two can play this game.”  

-Nintendo’s CEO seeing Mariokart for the first time.  As he found out later, actually four can play this game.

 

“It sounds like it’s coming from up here.”  

-A woman and her friend just before they discover that the unsettling drafty, howling noise coming from the attic is just her husband hiding out listening to a Great Lake Swimmers album.

 

“Thanks a lot Mr. Smarty Pants.”  

-World Vision thanking Stephen Hawking for making a more than generous cash donation.

 

“Oh, thank God.”  

-A man who forgot to feed his cat in the morning coming home at lunch to discover that not only was his little Muffin still alive, but she also seemed to not give a fuck whether or not he was alive.

 

“I didn’t go to Harvard for this.”  

-Two space men in orbit around earth arguing over the last freeze dried neapolitan ice cream block.

 

“Mom and Dad gave it to both of us for our Birthday.”  

-Identical twins having another ownership debate.

 

“I love Nine Inch Nails.”  

-A Marilyn Manson fan.

 

“I think George Lucas’ CGI additions to the original Star Wars trilogy actually make it better.”  

-George Lucas

 

“Push me higher daddy!”  

-A little girl hugging her knees and making her father roll her up a hill. 

 

“I can keep this up as long as you can.”

-A teacher deflecting hundreds of little punches from the “problem kid” in her class.

 

“You don’t know the meaning of the word pain!”  

-A mother telling her newborn baby all the things he doesn’t know yet.

 

“I’m going to make you wish you were never born.”  

-A hypnotist getting back at an old high school bully.

My Favorite Greetings

How's up?  I really like bumping into people on the street, but my favorite part of the interaction is hearing their choice of greeting.  In no particular order, here is a short list of some of my favorite greetings.

"Hello."

"Hi."

"How's it going?"

"What's Up?"

"Well, well, well.  Who do we have here?"

"Hey guy."

"Hi-O."

"Hey Aaron, long time no see.  You look like you're hiding something."

"Aaron?  Sorry, you look so different I couldn't tell if it was you.  It's like you've aged 10 years in 2."

"What's the password?"

"Were you followed?"

"Are you a cop?"

"Frisk him, I'm not going to let another "yesterday" happen."

"Right this way Mr. Blank.  Your usual booth?  Are you expecting company or will it just be you and Miss... I'm sorry I didn't catch your name.  Yes sir, yes sir.  My apologies.  You are correct sir.  My own affairs.  Absolutely.  Yes.  Yes.  You are correct sir, I am a worthless mud creature.  Yes.  I agree.  I should die alone in a bog.  Yes, only flies will attend my funeral."

"You got the dough?  There you are, it's been a pleasure doing business with you Mr. uh... I didn't catch your name.  Blank?  Mr. Blank.  I like that.  Well, I'll just let myself ou...  Hey what is this?  Is this a SET UP?  IS THIS A GODDAMNED SET UP?!  You son of a bitch!  I trusted you!  I TRUSTED YOU!!!"  *

*followed by loud gunshots and screaming

"Bet you didn't expect to see me alive again, did you?  It's amazing how self sufficient the human body can be when it needs to.  Stop pretending you don't know what I mean by that."

"Hello Mr. Eves, did you enjoy the ride?  You look surprised that I know your real name.  Let's just say it's amazing the things Mr. Locke will say when you put a jelly fish near his face.  Welcome to your final resting place, I hope you're comfortable because you'll be spending all of eternity here so get comfortable now because you'll be here forever so I hope you're comfortable.  Good bye."  

Commercial Slogans From the Vault #1

Here is the first installment of long forgotten commercial slogans:

"No you fucking don't."  -Eggo Waffles

"Don't eat me because I'm beautiful."  -Pantene Shampoo

"Why's the beef?"  -Wendy's 

"Food, Folks and Cheques."  -McDonald's 

"I can't tell the difference?  Can you tell the difference?  Pray for a difference."  -ABC Detergent

"Melts in your mouth, not on your head."  -M&M's

"Because you're worth nothing."  -L'Oreal

"Roliads, splels releief."  -Rolaids

"Once you pop, you just can't breathe."  -Pringles

"Strong enough for Cerberus , but made for Orthrus."  -Secret Deodorant

"The Un-Coola."  -7 Up

"Skittles, tastes like Rambo."  -Skittles

"Obey your parents."  -Sprite

"Bounty, it's the quicker thicker chicker picker upper."  -Bounty

Wild New Years Party

I know not all of you could make it this year so I'll just fill you in on what went down at the AMAZING new years party at my place.  WARNING!!!  IT WAS AN AWESOME PARTY!!!

Tim made a "jube-jube tea".  Siiiiiiiiiiiiick!

During the 10 second countdown to new years Jeff acted like he was drunk (he couldn't drink that night because he had to be in at work the next morning).

Megan did a little dance.

Alison went home early because she's manic depressive.

Martin put on a bunch of my after shave and kissed my girlfriend in the dark.

Somebody smashed my toilet and carved a little swastika in the corner of my mirror.  Same person?    

The corner of my bedroom carpet was ripped up (looks intentional).  

All of my mugs were stolen even though I hid them in my attic before everybody arrived.  This is especially annoying because I specifically hid them so this wouldn't happen.

Somebody wrote the "F" word on the playing surfaces of all my DVD's except for "Fight Club" and "Seven" which they simply stole.

My car was jokingly blown up by some guys I didn't invite.

My dog got scared by the explosion and attacked my flatscreen TV I just bought myself for Christmas.  Damage not covered by warranty.  

A body outline was painted on my bed sheets in the exact spot where I sleep every night.  Right next to the outline was a bunch of empty bottles of "uppers" and "downers" and a fake suicide note supposedly written by me.  Ha ha you guys.  Very funny.

My shampoo bottle was filled with Anti-freeze and my conditioner bottle with bleach.  

My garage door has a half dozen bullet holes in it, which doesn't matter much since it was also bent in half and ripped off its hinges.  

All the remaining pages of my Autograph Book were supposedly signed by Michael Jackson and Kurt Cobain. 

Christmas Wishes

Every year around Christmas I suddenly start calling my regular wishes "Christmas Wishes" and I assign a higher cash value to them because I love the smell of money.  Here is a list of my Christmas Wishes:

I wish my real parents were Amazon.com and ebay.

I wish I never have to perform CPR on an old gross dog.

I wish that nobody ever walks in on me while I'm changing.

I wish for ten more wishes.

I wish that people can't read my thoughts.  I really hope they can't.

I wish that time is linear so that when I die I don't have to do everything again backwards.  Especially the bathroom stuff.  

I wish my neighbor would knock it off!!!

I wish the variety store was next to my house.

I wish a chocolate bar right now.

I wish... wait... my neighbor knocked it off.  About time.

I wish all my friends from grade six didn't hate me from then on.

I wish I was born a long time ago so I could kill a redhead and not be frowned upon like what happened to a guy I'm in contact with over the internet.  

I wish I had my old rave clothes still.  Say what you will about how they look, but a guy I sort of knew from school borrowed them off me and O.D.'d in them so they're kind of special.

I wish what happened in Vegas had not followed me home from Vegas in his car.

Comments On My Blog I Have Deleted

"If I were you I'd stand in front of the mirror naked and laugh for all eternity."

"You want to know why nobody reads your blog?  Not me.  I don't want to know anything about you."

"After I read this I thought to myself "What would I write in the comments section under this post if a guy jumped out of  my laundry hamper and put a gun to my head and said I had to?"  Guess what happened right after I thought that?"

"Do people even bother to leave comments for you at all?  I wouldn't."

"Webster's Dictionary defines a comment as : a celestial body that appears as a fuzzy head usually surrounding a bright nucleus, that has a usually highly eccentric orbit, that consists primarily of ice and dust, and that often develops one or more long tails when near the sun.  So how exactly would I leave one of those, stupid?"

"When you click on enough links from porn sites the trail always leads to this blog."

"Of all the stupid, worthless blogs I've read this one was the best.  I still hated it though.  Good job.  Idiot.  Ha ha.  But really.  Keep it up.  And die."

"I had my dog sniff my computer screen when your blog was up then I set him loose at the side of the highway.  He's coming for you asshole!"  -Duke Basil Worthington of Nottingham, England

"Oh cool, you're dumb."

"You know what would be better than your blog jokes?  What I'm writing right now which isn't even a joke.  Why don't you just post this?"

"This blog is the kind of thing they would eat or have crawl all over them on Fear Factor."

"Don't quit your jay dob."  -Jay Dob