Friday, November 27, 2009

Things Overheard at an Art Opening

"He raised an interesting question about man's relationship to a vulnerable naked woman."

"What do you think he was trying to say with that one that I accidentally fell through and is going to cost me a quarter of a million dollars?"

"Did you notice that when he mentioned Leonardo DaVinci he made a jerking off motion with his hand?"

"I like the way he told me to leave the premises and kicked me out of the building.  Just a sec... Hold the exit door open please!  There, back in."

"Why did he call this one "Angel" when it is clearly a sculpture of a Demon?  I feel like I should call the police."

"I touched that one to see what it's made of and it's actually a security guard."

"Was the guy who was screaming about us not "getting it" and who tore off all his clothes and shot himself in the face the same guy who made this paper mache picnic?"

"I told you I knew it was a mirror.  Of course I know what I look like!  Drop it."

"Is that my ex-husband over there?  Funny, he never liked art when we were married, but I guess that little whore he's with likes the stuff.  HEY JASON!  NICE HEAD!  Let's hightail it out of here."

"Was that stuff written about me in the bathroom stall part of the show?  Did you see it when you went in there right before me?"

"Okay, you distract everybody then I'll grab it and run.  What do you mean it's only a sculpture of a charity donation box to send terminally ill kids to camp?"

Monday, November 23, 2009

Newly Discovered Books of the Bible

They just discovered 5 new books of the Bible that will be included in future printings!  Tell your friends you heard it here first then later you'll come back to this website and realize that absolutely everything on it is a joke and you'll feel pretty dumb.


In this recently unearthed book it is written that God's uncle actually won the world in a shady poker game but didn't want to manage it and was thinking of selling it until his wife forced him to give it to his strange nephew God.  The story is eerily similar to the "Weird Al" Yankovic film UHF and even includes a passage where God makes a Twinkie wiener sandwich for his bummed out roommate.


Whereas the book of Judges tells the detailed history of 13 Biblical judges, Pre-Judges tells the significantly less detailed story of a man named Brent who would judge whether or not a movie was going to be any good based solely on sneak peek trailers posted on the Apple website.  


A medley of duets about Deuteronomy where it is portrayed as less of a book of the Bible and more of a code word for the nasty.  


Referred to in this book more often than not as "Craigers", the book of Craig is about this guy Craig who has a blonde mustache but dark hair.  Because of this people think he's a wizard or magician of some kind and come to him for all sorts of advice.  The book ends with Craig putting on sun tan lotion and falling asleep on a roof with a joint in his hand.  

REVELATIONS (real ending)

This isn't so much an entirely new book as much as it is the true ending of the Bible.  According to this recently discovered text you're supposed to get to the end of Revelations like normal, but when you flip the page it reads "FIN ?"  On the next page it says "Directed by Jean-Luc Godard".  When you close the Bible you will probably sit in silence for a moment or two before going out for coffee with the girl you read it with.  The two of you will most likely talk about its meaning and how you liked it because it didn't have a typical Hollywood ending, even though you know full well that you will probably never read it again.  When you get home you're going to be really excited because it feels like you're reading and watching things that none of your friends even know about.  You'll pick up a copy of Naked Lunch and before you even read a word you know you're going to love it.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Signs You Might Be Depressed

The winter months are coming up and for a lot of people that means a mental depression is approaching the door step and it's wearing goth makeup and you're like "there's no way I'm letting you in my house."  But it's like "I know you can't see it through my puffy blouse but I've been working out all summer and I'll force my way into your house if I have to.  So step aside little man."  I've made a list of some telltale signs that you might be depressed.

-Instead of going "Mmmmmmmmm" when you have a spoon full of delicious soup, you just let out a long sigh and whisper "kill me".

-When you go on a tour of the Hershey factory all of your questions are about employee death statistics.  

-You got a lifetime ban from the CN Tower when you tried to jump so hard you'd smash through the plexiglass floor, then you assaulted a security officer and screamed "see you on the other side muchacho."

-You picture your thoughts as being like the lovable characters from Herman's Head, but in your case they are just four rotting corpses waiting for you to demolish their apartment.

-You're single and ready for Pringles.

-You like to talk about your Will all the time, but instead of calling it your Will you call it your Won't; and you don't even have a Won't, you just like being a morbid little baby.

-You roll your eyes sarcastically throughout entire physicals.

-You throw lavish house parties and spend thousands of dollars on wine and food, always saying to your guests "I may die tonight, so I may as well die drinking some good wine!"  You always live through the night, but now all the debt is creating an actual situation.

-You think Ziggy looks like a flesh coloured bomb.

-You look at old photographs of me and think "if Aaron could just go back to that age and do everything different."  Sorry, I meant to say you look at old photographs of YOURSELF and think "if Aaron could just go back to that age and do everything different."  

-You drag your feet the entire walk to go see The Fantastic Mr. Fox.  After it's finished it takes you 40 minutes to motivate yourself to leave the theatre.  

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Questions From My Interview With America's Next Top Model

I recently interviewed America's Next Top Model for PEOPLE magazine, but due to legal restrictions I can only re-print my questions but not her answers.  Sorry guys, you'll have to use your imagination to fill in the blanks.  

Okay, take off the magazine cover.  Oh!  That's your actual face?  Coooooooooool.

When you guys were filming the show, were you ever not paying attention because you were just thinking about all the money that you were making?  

So you guys just model tops?  

Okay, I know you can smeyes, but can you smooch? 

Does beauty run in your family or are you the only one? 

Here's a picture of me and on the back you'll find my phone number.  Do  you think you're going to dial it up ever?

Okay... what would you say the closest major colour to red is?  I would say it's orange but I want to hear what you think it is.

Do they tell you at the beginning of the season that you've won or is it something you find out at the end?

Sorry, do you want me to turn down this music?  It's pretty good though, eh?  Do you like it?  It's actually my band "The Pesky Rascals".  Do you want a copy of our CD?  

Do you have a sister who looks just like you but who it looks like I have a better chance with?

If I was the last man on earth... no?  

What happened to your pants!?  A dress?!  Of course!  How did I forget about those?  That's so weird.  Honestly I didn't get much sleep last night.  A dress.  Of course I know what a dress is.

You know how models learn to walk by balancing a book on their head?  Don't you think it would be harder to balance a single page on your head because it would keep on blowing away?

Okay, I want you to finish this sentence for me:  "I'm the most flattered when a man I barely know takes me out to ___________ for dinner and gives me ____________ as a little gift."

During filming, did you ever try and kill one of the other girls in the competition so you would win?

 When they told you that you won, did you immediately think of everyone you ever knew who wronged you and picture them dying on the floor while the last thing they see is you winning the competition on TV?

Thank you for doing this interview?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


"Bring me the head of Peter Pan."  

"Yeah.  Ummmm.  Okay.  THAT'S normal."  
-Abraham Lincoln 

"You see, I kind of have this method I use for conquering, so I don't really want your help.  No 'fence."  
-Napoleon Bonaparte

"Oh, just shut up."  
-Edith Stein

"I farted and it smellded."  
-Charles Dickens

"Women are indestructible Gods."  
-Amelia Earhart

"How much for these President's of the United States Of America CD's?"  -Albert Einstein

"Wah-Wah sucks."  
-Helen Keller

"Vroom, vroom!  Weeeeeeeeeee!  Ha ha ha!  Whooooooooooo!"  
-Henry Ford

"I clogged the toilet."  
-Molly Brown

"Okay, we've got Orbitz or poisoned Kool Aid."  
-Jim Jones

Saturday, November 7, 2009

How To Turn A Party Into An Orgy

Here is a short list of ways you can turn a house party into an orgy party:

-Wait until one of the girls is showing the rest of the girls her wedding photos then take off your pants and underwear and just stand there waiting for them to notice.  It's risky, but imagine it worked!

-Go into the washroom, making sure you don't lock the door.  Fill the bathtub with lube.  Take off your clothes.  Get into the bathtub.  Scream for help.  

-Keep on telling everybody you're a virgin.  Maybe the whole party will take pity on you and each other at once?

-Make a CD full of explosion and rioting noises.  Convince the party this is happening outside.  Orgy yet?

-Cut a finger off and say "I did this so an orgy will happen."  They'd have to be heartless to not start one.

-Say "I forget, how does an orgy go again?"  Then just pucker your lips and nod your head a bunch.  If people walk away from you make it look like you were just doing that anyways and do it for the rest of your life wherever you go.