Friday, December 18, 2009

Christmas Wishes

Every year around Christmas I suddenly start calling my regular wishes "Christmas Wishes" and I assign a higher cash value to them because I love the smell of money.  Here is a list of my Christmas Wishes:

I wish my real parents were and ebay.

I wish I never have to perform CPR on an old gross dog.

I wish that nobody ever walks in on me while I'm changing.

I wish for ten more wishes.

I wish that people can't read my thoughts.  I really hope they can't.

I wish that time is linear so that when I die I don't have to do everything again backwards.  Especially the bathroom stuff.  

I wish my neighbor would knock it off!!!

I wish the variety store was next to my house.

I wish a chocolate bar right now.

I wish... wait... my neighbor knocked it off.  About time.

I wish all my friends from grade six didn't hate me from then on.

I wish I was born a long time ago so I could kill a redhead and not be frowned upon like what happened to a guy I'm in contact with over the internet.  

I wish I had my old rave clothes still.  Say what you will about how they look, but a guy I sort of knew from school borrowed them off me and O.D.'d in them so they're kind of special.

I wish what happened in Vegas had not followed me home from Vegas in his car.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Comments On My Blog I Have Deleted

"If I were you I'd stand in front of the mirror naked and laugh for all eternity."

"You want to know why nobody reads your blog?  Not me.  I don't want to know anything about you."

"After I read this I thought to myself "What would I write in the comments section under this post if a guy jumped out of  my laundry hamper and put a gun to my head and said I had to?"  Guess what happened right after I thought that?"

"Do people even bother to leave comments for you at all?  I wouldn't."

"Webster's Dictionary defines a comment as : a celestial body that appears as a fuzzy head usually surrounding a bright nucleus, that has a usually highly eccentric orbit, that consists primarily of ice and dust, and that often develops one or more long tails when near the sun.  So how exactly would I leave one of those, stupid?"

"When you click on enough links from porn sites the trail always leads to this blog."

"Of all the stupid, worthless blogs I've read this one was the best.  I still hated it though.  Good job.  Idiot.  Ha ha.  But really.  Keep it up.  And die."

"I had my dog sniff my computer screen when your blog was up then I set him loose at the side of the highway.  He's coming for you asshole!"  -Duke Basil Worthington of Nottingham, England

"Oh cool, you're dumb."

"You know what would be better than your blog jokes?  What I'm writing right now which isn't even a joke.  Why don't you just post this?"

"This blog is the kind of thing they would eat or have crawl all over them on Fear Factor."

"Don't quit your jay dob."  -Jay Dob