Monday, May 11, 2015

Things I've Said Right Before Taking Garbage to the Curb

We all have to say something right before taking garbage to the curb, right?  Well, here's a list of things I'VE said right before taking garbage to the curb.

"Shit." *

"Shit." *



"Shit." *


"I'll take out the garbage in just a sec, but first I want you to promise me you'll never tell another living soul about walking in on me frenching the OK Computer CD hole."



"This is bullshit." *


*muttered under breath

Friday, May 8, 2015


"You may now forgot to put the laundry in the dryer before I headed out again.  What is wrong with me?"

"You may now remember me?  I was in your 10th grade english class...?  Went to jail for six years after running over the principal's head with my car...?  Laughed for 6 straight hours after I did it...?  I'm free now...?  Any of this ringing a bell?"

"You may don't happen to have five bucks on you, do you?"

"You may now kill the dill.  Your new husband's "the dill", am I right folks?  Folks?  Alright, know what?  I don't need your approval because I know I'm hilarious.  So moving forward with the ceremony, you may now kiss the piss, Miss.  Nothing?  You guys are mental."

"You may now pretend you're me for a second, what car would you get?  I'm leaning toward the Hyandai Accent but might not need that much room."

"You may now tell me the truth, you've had sex already, haven't you?  It's okay you can tell me, I'm cool.  To prove it, let's smoke some weed after the ceremony.  Alright, maybe not that cool, but still pretty cool for a priest."

"You may now look at this picture of me before I lost a ton of weight.  Pass it around.  Can you believe I'm even the same guy?"

"You may now tell me if I should get an earring or if it'd be too "Nick" from Family Ties."

"You may now grab me from behind and I'll show you how to defend yourself.  Okay wait, I screwed it up.  Again, but this time don't grab me there, grab me here.  And slower."

Wednesday, May 6, 2015


Ever go to buy someone a card but everything at the store is so vague and impersonal you may as well just give them a five dollar bill with the words "I could be anybody and so could you" written on it?  Well fret not, I've taken it upon myself to write a list of specific greeting card messages, one for every occasion imaginable!

Heard that thing you invented bit off your fingers.  Christ.  That's insane.

Congratulations on jumping the creek!  It was a boy who took the leap, but a man who landed on the other side in some mud, slid forward a bit, lost his balance, twisted around and fell face first in dog shit.

Sorry to hear about your husband and the mysterious circumstances surrounding his freak parachute malfunction.  So random.  Anyway, you should probably just believe the coroner's report and not look any deeper into the matter because all that's important is I think you're really great ;-)

Thanks for convincing me that what I'm experiencing is indeed reality and not some video game being played by my mom 8000 years in the future.  It really helped.

Happy 40th, buddy!  Can you believe that in just six months time this card is going to be the only proof you ever walked this scorched earth?  Like, not even dental records, pal.  Think about that the next time you don't invite me to your 40th.

A quick thank you for the throat tattoo you gave my favourite grandson!

I want to let you know how sorry I am that I accidentally summoned a demon in our basement, okay?  Just, please come home.  I've patched up his portal with cement and it's holding up, even against all of his banging as he tries to break through again.  Laugh throughout the night all he likes, he's not getting back in.  Come home.

Writing to thank you once again for the present you gave my wife and I (still can't believe we're married!) on our wedding day; really thoughtful of you.  This is a little embarrassing to ask so many weeks later but, like, were we supposed to feed them?  Because the lovebirds are dead now.  Not blaming you, just... the lovebirds are dead.

Dropping you a line to ask if it was you who went to the bathroom next to my CD shelf?  It was somebody.  Was it you?