Christmas Wishes

Every year around Christmas I suddenly start calling my regular wishes "Christmas Wishes" and I assign a higher cash value to them because I love the smell of money.  Here is a list of my Christmas Wishes:

I wish my real parents were Amazon.com and ebay.

I wish I never have to perform CPR on an old gross dog.

I wish that nobody ever walks in on me while I'm changing.

I wish for ten more wishes.

I wish that people can't read my thoughts.  I really hope they can't.

I wish that time is linear so that when I die I don't have to do everything again backwards.  Especially the bathroom stuff.  

I wish my neighbor would knock it off!!!

I wish the variety store was next to my house.

I wish a chocolate bar right now.

I wish... wait... my neighbor knocked it off.  About time.

I wish all my friends from grade six didn't hate me from then on.

I wish I was born a long time ago so I could kill a redhead and not be frowned upon like what happened to a guy I'm in contact with over the internet.  

I wish I had my old rave clothes still.  Say what you will about how they look, but a guy I sort of knew from school borrowed them off me and O.D.'d in them so they're kind of special.

I wish what happened in Vegas had not followed me home from Vegas in his car.

Comments On My Blog I Have Deleted

"If I were you I'd stand in front of the mirror naked and laugh for all eternity."

"You want to know why nobody reads your blog?  Not me.  I don't want to know anything about you."

"After I read this I thought to myself "What would I write in the comments section under this post if a guy jumped out of  my laundry hamper and put a gun to my head and said I had to?"  Guess what happened right after I thought that?"

"Do people even bother to leave comments for you at all?  I wouldn't."

"Webster's Dictionary defines a comment as : a celestial body that appears as a fuzzy head usually surrounding a bright nucleus, that has a usually highly eccentric orbit, that consists primarily of ice and dust, and that often develops one or more long tails when near the sun.  So how exactly would I leave one of those, stupid?"

"When you click on enough links from porn sites the trail always leads to this blog."

"Of all the stupid, worthless blogs I've read this one was the best.  I still hated it though.  Good job.  Idiot.  Ha ha.  But really.  Keep it up.  And die."

"I had my dog sniff my computer screen when your blog was up then I set him loose at the side of the highway.  He's coming for you asshole!"  -Duke Basil Worthington of Nottingham, England

"Oh cool, you're dumb."

"You know what would be better than your blog jokes?  What I'm writing right now which isn't even a joke.  Why don't you just post this?"

"This blog is the kind of thing they would eat or have crawl all over them on Fear Factor."

"Don't quit your jay dob."  -Jay Dob

Things Overheard at an Art Opening

"He raised an interesting question about man's relationship to a vulnerable naked woman."

"What do you think he was trying to say with that one that I accidentally fell through and is going to cost me a quarter of a million dollars?"

"Did you notice that when he mentioned Leonardo DaVinci he made a jerking off motion with his hand?"

"I like the way he told me to leave the premises and kicked me out of the building.  Just a sec... Hold the exit door open please!  There, back in."

"Why did he call this one "Angel" when it is clearly a sculpture of a Demon?  I feel like I should call the police."

"I touched that one to see what it's made of and it's actually a security guard."

"Was the guy who was screaming about us not "getting it" and who tore off all his clothes and shot himself in the face the same guy who made this paper mache picnic?"

"I told you I knew it was a mirror.  Of course I know what I look like!  Drop it."

"Is that my ex-husband over there?  Funny, he never liked art when we were married, but I guess that little whore he's with likes the stuff.  HEY JASON!  NICE HEAD!  Let's hightail it out of here."

"Was that stuff written about me in the bathroom stall part of the show?  Did you see it when you went in there right before me?"

"Okay, you distract everybody then I'll grab it and run.  What do you mean it's only a sculpture of a charity donation box to send terminally ill kids to camp?"

Newly Discovered Books of the Bible

They just discovered 5 new books of the Bible that will be included in future printings!  Tell your friends you heard it here first then later you'll come back to this website and realize that absolutely everything on it is a joke and you'll feel pretty dumb.

GENESIS 2: THE END OF THE BEGINNING 

In this recently unearthed book it is written that God's uncle actually won the world in a shady poker game but didn't want to manage it and was thinking of selling it until his wife forced him to give it to his strange nephew God.  The story is eerily similar to the "Weird Al" Yankovic film UHF and even includes a passage where God makes a Twinkie wiener sandwich for his bummed out roommate.

PRE-JUDGES

Whereas the book of Judges tells the detailed history of 13 Biblical judges, Pre-Judges tells the significantly less detailed story of a man named Brent who would judge whether or not a movie was going to be any good based solely on sneak peek trailers posted on the Apple website.  

DUET - ERONOMY!

A medley of duets about Deuteronomy where it is portrayed as less of a book of the Bible and more of a code word for the nasty.  

CRAIG

Referred to in this book more often than not as "Craigers", the book of Craig is about this guy Craig who has a blonde mustache but dark hair.  Because of this people think he's a wizard or magician of some kind and come to him for all sorts of advice.  The book ends with Craig putting on sun tan lotion and falling asleep on a roof with a joint in his hand.  

REVELATIONS (real ending)

This isn't so much an entirely new book as much as it is the true ending of the Bible.  According to this recently discovered text you're supposed to get to the end of Revelations like normal, but when you flip the page it reads "FIN ?"  On the next page it says "Directed by Jean-Luc Godard".  When you close the Bible you will probably sit in silence for a moment or two before going out for coffee with the girl you read it with.  The two of you will most likely talk about its meaning and how you liked it because it didn't have a typical Hollywood ending, even though you know full well that you will probably never read it again.  When you get home you're going to be really excited because it feels like you're reading and watching things that none of your friends even know about.  You'll pick up a copy of Naked Lunch and before you even read a word you know you're going to love it.

Signs You Might Be Depressed

The winter months are coming up and for a lot of people that means a mental depression is approaching the door step and it's wearing goth makeup and you're like "there's no way I'm letting you in my house."  But it's like "I know you can't see it through my puffy blouse but I've been working out all summer and I'll force my way into your house if I have to.  So step aside little man."  I've made a list of some telltale signs that you might be depressed.

-Instead of going "Mmmmmmmmm" when you have a spoon full of delicious soup, you just let out a long sigh and whisper "kill me".

-When you go on a tour of the Hershey factory all of your questions are about employee death statistics.  

-You got a lifetime ban from the CN Tower when you tried to jump so hard you'd smash through the plexiglass floor, then you assaulted a security officer and screamed "see you on the other side muchacho."

-You picture your thoughts as being like the lovable characters from Herman's Head, but in your case they are just four rotting corpses waiting for you to demolish their apartment.

-You're single and ready for Pringles.

-You like to talk about your Will all the time, but instead of calling it your Will you call it your Won't; and you don't even have a Won't, you just like being a morbid little baby.

-You roll your eyes sarcastically throughout entire physicals.

-You throw lavish house parties and spend thousands of dollars on wine and food, always saying to your guests "I may die tonight, so I may as well die drinking some good wine!"  You always live through the night, but now all the debt is creating an actual situation.

-You think Ziggy looks like a flesh coloured bomb.

-You look at old photographs of me and think "if Aaron could just go back to that age and do everything different."  Sorry, I meant to say you look at old photographs of YOURSELF and think "if Aaron could just go back to that age and do everything different."  

-You drag your feet the entire walk to go see The Fantastic Mr. Fox.  After it's finished it takes you 40 minutes to motivate yourself to leave the theatre.  

Questions From My Interview With America's Next Top Model

I recently interviewed America's Next Top Model for PEOPLE magazine, but due to legal restrictions I can only re-print my questions but not her answers.  Sorry guys, you'll have to use your imagination to fill in the blanks.  

Okay, take off the magazine cover.  Oh!  That's your actual face?  Coooooooooool.

When you guys were filming the show, were you ever not paying attention because you were just thinking about all the money that you were making?  

So you guys just model tops?  

Okay, I know you can smeyes, but can you smooch? 

Does beauty run in your family or are you the only one? 

Here's a picture of me and on the back you'll find my phone number.  Do  you think you're going to dial it up ever?

Okay... what would you say the closest major colour to red is?  I would say it's orange but I want to hear what you think it is.

Do they tell you at the beginning of the season that you've won or is it something you find out at the end?

Sorry, do you want me to turn down this music?  It's pretty good though, eh?  Do you like it?  It's actually my band "The Pesky Rascals".  Do you want a copy of our CD?  

Do you have a sister who looks just like you but who it looks like I have a better chance with?

If I was the last man on earth... no?  

What happened to your pants!?  A dress?!  Of course!  How did I forget about those?  That's so weird.  Honestly I didn't get much sleep last night.  A dress.  Of course I know what a dress is.

You know how models learn to walk by balancing a book on their head?  Don't you think it would be harder to balance a single page on your head because it would keep on blowing away?

Okay, I want you to finish this sentence for me:  "I'm the most flattered when a man I barely know takes me out to ___________ for dinner and gives me ____________ as a little gift."

During filming, did you ever try and kill one of the other girls in the competition so you would win?

 When they told you that you won, did you immediately think of everyone you ever knew who wronged you and picture them dying on the floor while the last thing they see is you winning the competition on TV?

Thank you for doing this interview?

FAMOUS HISTORICAL QUOTES

"Bring me the head of Peter Pan."  

-Gandhi

"Yeah.  Ummmm.  Okay.  THAT'S normal."  

-Abraham Lincoln 

"You see, I kind of have this method I use for conquering, so I don't really want your help.  No 'fence."  

-Napoleon Bonaparte

"Oh, just shut up."  

-Edith Stein

"I farted and it smellded."  

-Charles Dickens

"Women are indestructible Gods."  

-Amelia Earhart

"How much for these President's of the United States Of America CD's?"  -Albert Einstein

"Wah-Wah sucks."  

-Helen Keller

"Vroom, vroom!  Weeeeeeeeeee!  Ha ha ha!  Whooooooooooo!"  

-Henry Ford

"I clogged the toilet."  

-Molly Brown

"Okay, we've got Orbitz or poisoned Kool Aid."  

-Jim Jones

How To Turn A Party Into An Orgy

Here is a short list of ways you can turn a house party into an orgy party:

-Wait until one of the girls is showing the rest of the girls her wedding photos then take off your pants and underwear and just stand there waiting for them to notice.  It's risky, but imagine it worked!

-Go into the washroom, making sure you don't lock the door.  Fill the bathtub with lube.  Take off your clothes.  Get into the bathtub.  Scream for help.  

-Keep on telling everybody you're a virgin.  Maybe the whole party will take pity on you and each other at once?

-Make a CD full of explosion and rioting noises.  Convince the party this is happening outside.  Orgy yet?

-Cut a finger off and say "I did this so an orgy will happen."  They'd have to be heartless to not start one.

-Say "I forget, how does an orgy go again?"  Then just pucker your lips and nod your head a bunch.  If people walk away from you make it look like you were just doing that anyways and do it for the rest of your life wherever you go.  

LOVIN' THE 80'S

They sure don't make things like they did in the 80's, do they? See how many of these 80's trends you remember, then make them define your personality.

-Jeans With Shit Stains On The Knees

-Cutting The Heel Out Of Your Converse And Wearing Them Backwards 

-Having A Family Of Rats Living On You.  (Especially Cool If The Mother Rat Gave  Birth In Your Mouth While You Sang "Shake The Disease")

-Miniature Polo Shirts For Coke Cans

-Soaking Nerds Candy UPC Labels Then Rubbing Them On Your Skin Like Tattoos 

-Displaying A Little Scrunched Bit Of Your Underwear Sticking Out Of And  Caught In Your  Pants Fly

-Slap On Priest Collars

-Walking Around With A Big Box Of Cereal On Your Shoulder

-Gelling Your Hair Into A Bowl Shape And Filling It With New Coke

-Giving Mixed Tapes Full Of Shitty Music To Kids You Hated

-Business Men Getting Into A Small Washroom Stall Together And Power Smelling Scratch 'n Sniff Stickers

-Dead Language Jokes:  What's Not Spoken Anymore And Knocks On Glass?  Biblical Hebrew In The Microwave

-Dad Baby Jokes:  Why Did The One Year Old Father Of Two Cross The Street?  We'll Probably Have To Wait Around Six Months To Ask Him, And Even Then...

-Wearing Your Bra On Top Of Your Clothes Then Hanging Your Breasts On Top Of The Bra But Having Another Bra Worn On Your Breasts Then Covering It All Up With A Baggy Sweater

-Couples Walking With Their Hands In Each Other's Bank Accounts

Charlotte

How I Spent My Weekend:

"Making this image for my application to the Sheridan Animation program."        

 -Ghazali

Charles Schulz's Diary

"Dear Diary, Today I will start my 50 year comic strip death cry."

"Dear Diary, I wish I had the balls to get my ears pierced."

"Dear Diary, today I drove to Fairmount Indiana and left a flaming bag of dog shit on Jim Davis’ door step while I watched and giggled in his bushes.  He definitely saw me."

"Dear Diary, today I got a letter from Bill Kean calling me “Chuck the Fuck.”  Big words coming from “Bill the Pill”."

"Dear Diary, I wonder if I should kill off Charlie Brown and Snoopy.  My gut says yes."                              

"Dear Diary, today somebody spray painted the words “Charles Schultz looks at his own defecation after he's done” on the front of my house.  I think it’s time to get rid of the bay window on my ground floor washroom.  And they spelled my name wrong."

"Dear Diary, I’m in the doghouse with Dick Tracey creator “Chester Gould” because I joked that Dick Tracey looked like a Traced Dick.  I probably shouldn't have said that, even though it's kind of true."

"Dear Diary, today Lynn Johnson told me to fuck off.  Why doesn’t she fuck off?"

"Dear Diary, today my wife found my photorealistic “when they grow up” peanuts drawings.  I think we’re getting divorced.  Hold on.  I just asked her and she said that's right."

"Dear Diary, today I drew Pigpen without all the dirt, and to my surprise he's a she.  And she's hot."

For more of Charles Schulz's newly restored diary entries visit www.grahamwagner.blogspot.com

Illustration by Tim O'brien

Things That Sound Like Compliments That Aren't Compliments

*Sexy Bathroom Eyes

*You Make Me Want To Be A Sweater Person

*Gumdrop Hair

*Legs That Won't Quiet

*Friendly Bubble Face

*Talking Pig With A Wiggle In Her Trot

*Butt Like A Grenade 

*Check Out That Mooshy Butt

*You Look Young For Your Saggy Body

*Nice Wheels (to a woman in a hovercraft)

*How Much Would A Person Like You Weigh?

Message for Devon

5 Signs That Thanksgiving Is Over

5.  Cover of newspaper reads "364 days until next major T.G. dinner: Grits"

4.  Nobody is saying "Put your entire Playboy collection away, it's thanksgiving."

3.  You invite people over for thanksgiving dinner and they all tell you to fuck off.

2.  Toilet is clogged with turkey bones.  I guess you can't flush them?

1.  Your pillow is covered in cute little "gravy tears".

Last Halloween

I had a major disaster last Halloween when I went out dressed as Captain Picard with ten scratches on his neck from fighting an alien on a planet.  At the last minute I decided to add a cool scar on my neck, but everybody at the party agreed that aesthetically the "scar wrecked the neck's ten abrasions."

The Serial Killer and the Stop Sign

The serial killer looks up at the stop sign.

"I don't get it."

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie

The Reason I Haven't Killed Anyone

Not strong enough.

Blog Post #0

I will delete this hopefully.