Things I've Said Right Before Taking Garbage to the Curb

We all have to say something right before taking garbage to the curb, right?  Well, here's a list of things I'VE said right before taking garbage to the curb.


"Shit." *

"Shit." *

"Shit."

"Shoot."

"Shit." *

"Shit."

"I'll take out the garbage in just a sec, but first I want you to promise me you'll never tell another living soul about walking in on me frenching the OK Computer CD hole."

"Shit."

"Shit."

"This is bullshit." *

"Shit."

*muttered under breath

THINGS PRIESTS HAVE ACCIDENTALLY SAID INSTEAD OF "YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE"

"You may now forgot to put the laundry in the dryer before I headed out again.  What is wrong with me?"

"You may now remember me?  I was in your 10th grade english class...?  Went to jail for six years after running over the principal's head with my car...?  Laughed for 6 straight hours after I did it...?  I'm free now...?  Any of this ringing a bell?"

"You may don't happen to have five bucks on you, do you?"

"You may now kill the dill.  Your new husband's "the dill", am I right folks?  Folks?  Alright, know what?  I don't need your approval because I know I'm hilarious.  So moving forward with the ceremony, you may now kiss the piss, Miss.  Nothing?  You guys are mental."

"You may now pretend you're me for a second, what car would you get?  I'm leaning toward the Hyandai Accent but might not need that much room."

"You may now tell me the truth, you've had sex already, haven't you?  It's okay you can tell me, I'm cool.  To prove it, let's smoke some weed after the ceremony.  Alright, maybe not that cool, but still pretty cool for a priest."

"You may now look at this picture of me before I lost a ton of weight.  Pass it around.  Can you believe I'm even the same guy?"

"You may now tell me if I should get an earring or if it'd be too "Nick" from Family Ties."

"You may now grab me from behind and I'll show you how to defend yourself.  Okay wait, I screwed it up.  Again, but this time don't grab me there, grab me here.  And slower."

SPECIFIC GREETING CARDS

Ever go to buy someone a card but everything at the store is so vague and impersonal you may as well just give them a five dollar bill with the words "I could be anybody and so could you" written on it?  Well fret not, I've taken it upon myself to write a list of specific greeting card messages, one for every occasion imaginable!



Heard that thing you invented bit off your fingers.  Christ.  That's insane.

Congratulations on jumping the creek!  It was a boy who took the leap, but a man who landed on the other side in some mud, slid forward a bit, lost his balance, twisted around and fell face first in dog shit.

Sorry to hear about your husband and the mysterious circumstances surrounding his freak parachute malfunction.  So random.  Anyway, you should probably just believe the coroner's report and not look any deeper into the matter because all that's important is I think you're really great ;-)

Thanks for convincing me that what I'm experiencing is indeed reality and not some video game being played by my mom 8000 years in the future.  It really helped.

Happy 40th, buddy!  Can you believe that in just six months time this card is going to be the only proof you ever walked this scorched earth?  Like, not even dental records, pal.  Think about that the next time you don't invite me to your 40th.

A quick thank you for the throat tattoo you gave my favourite grandson!

I want to let you know how sorry I am that I accidentally summoned a demon in our basement, okay?  Just, please come home.  I've patched up his portal with cement and it's holding up, even against all of his banging as he tries to break through again.  Laugh throughout the night all he likes, he's not getting back in.  Come home.

Writing to thank you once again for the present you gave my wife and I (still can't believe we're married!) on our wedding day; really thoughtful of you.  This is a little embarrassing to ask so many weeks later but, like, were we supposed to feed them?  Because the lovebirds are dead now.  Not blaming you, just... the lovebirds are dead.

Dropping you a line to ask if it was you who went to the bathroom next to my CD shelf?  It was somebody.  Was it you?

What I've Been Up To

So I haven't posted here in a couple of years and absolutely none of you have asked why.  With that in mind, I thought I'd update you and let you all know what I've been up to.  Hope you like reading words.



There's this brown thing on my foot that I look at quite a bit now.  I draw a face on it sometimes.  It has its own Facebook page with more friends than me, but I'm sure most of them are just making fun of it.

I spent a full year planning the perfect friend hangout date with this cool new guy at work, but two days before we hung out he had already died of invading somebody's home.

I've been getting a lot of voice work as the narrator for this christian erotic audiobook series "The Man and the Wife: Face 2 Face".

I created and drew these characters called "Booger Babies" and there's like, a thousand of them.

I egged my old high school then hid in the bushes for over a month because every time I was about to take off I thought I heard the cops coming.

I read a newspaper article about this mob boss who went missing so I grew the same mustache he had and infiltrated his crime organization, running it for a little while.  At one point things got so insane I ordered my second in charge be killed.  Craziest time of my life.

Career Blogging

Want to find out how to make a living from blogging?  In this video I host episode 3 of a 100 part series on how to make your least wild dream come true. 

Confessions!

Hey, how's it going?  Why don't I just die?  The reason is so I can tell you about my recent exploits.

A couple days ago I did a favor for my Priest friend and filled in for him in the confessional booth while he went up north to a lake where "fuckin' nobody is around and you can just run around with no pants."  Anyway, I wrote down a bunch of the confessions I heard that day and am now going to break several levels of trust by showing you my favorites.  Bon appetit!

"I sold my wife a fake watch."

"I made my desktop wallpaper an image of marijuana."

"I transcribed an Adam Sandler sketch from his first CD and showed it to a guy at work."

"I smashed my friend's time machine out of jealousy."

"Lately my neighbor's been getting on my nerves so I threw a lightbulb at his window because I knew it would scare him but it wouldn't break his window."

"The guy at the Variety Store didn't notice I had brought up a pack of Twizzlers with a V8 fusion and only charged me for the fusion and I didn't correct him."

"I wrote the F word on a competitor's Go-Kart wheel."

"I took a french course for a full year because I had a crush on a married woman.  Where did I think it could go?  So stupid.  And she told me as much."

"I refer to my kids as "trolls" to all my friends."

"Whenever I get in a fight with my daughter I always call up my Dad and tell him that I wish he was never born so that I was never born so that my daughter was never born."  

"I hid up in a tree and yelled out "conformist" to everybody who walked by."

"At SEARS this weekend I put my phone number in all the women's jean's pockets that were in the size of the kind of woman I would like to meet."

"Even though I'm 36, this past Christmas eve I stayed up all night just to see once and for all that Santa doesn't exist.  I mean, I know he doesn't exist but just to make FOR SURE for sure.  Otherwise I'm just taking other people's word on it and to me that doesn't sound very scientific."

"I fired a gun at a cloud and accidentally killed a hang glider."

"I told a police officer I was speeding because I had diarrhea and he let me go, but the real reason was there was no reason."

Email Addresses And Their Passwords

Want an e-mail address and password but feel uninspired?  You're probably depressed to the point of no return, but don't fret!  Here's a list of ones of those that haven't been done yet!

Dr_Cohen@turnyourheadtotheleftandbarf.net

Pass: sillyfart

MisterMuffin@Mmmmmmmuffins.com

Pass: theblueberryonesareshitty

clubgirl696969@erave.ca

Pass: glowstick_soother_fuzzypants_blondedredlocks_and_sparkles

Fishinforcompliments@hotmail.com

Pass: isntthisadumbemailaddress

Stuckinmyhead@music.com

Pass: whoputtheramintheramalamadingdong

President@footlocker.com

Pass: morelikeshitlocker_heh_heh

healthnut@workout.com

Pass: fudgebrowniesundaesaucewithwhippedcreamandsprinkles

fireman@gmail.com

Pass: imdoingthisjusttobeinthecalander

Ways You Can Tell If Someone's a Cop

Does it seem like someone you know is a raging asshole?  Don't fret, they may just be an officer of the law.  Here are some ways you can tell for sure:

When they pull you over for speeding they are in a police car wearing a police uniform.

Their husband / wife hates them.

They get a boner watching people shoplift.  

Whenever someone tries to pass a joint to them at a party they say "No thanks, but it's not because I'm a cop or something.  I'm not a cop."  Then they ask to use a phone and five minutes later the cops show up.

Their google search history includes sites such as "stupid arrested faces", "hot arrested people", "black and white striped form hugging female pyjamas" and "do murderers sleep with cops?"

When you're out on a nature walk with them they say "Freeze asshole.  Isn't the view stunning?"

They tell you that the Police song "Every Breath You Take" is about a cop on a stakeout.

When you spit on the ground around them they say "Legally don't ever do that around me again."  

They say "finally" under their breath when Han Solo gets encased in carbonite, then "oh, come on." when he's freed.  

Whenever they walk past a pretty girl they say "I'd tase that."

When talking about the kind of girl they'd like to meet they say "Nobody too high maintenance, just somebody standard issue."

Bad Driving Maneuvers

Have you ever found yourself in outer space in your car?  Believe it or not, you are a bad driver then.  Here are other sure fire ways to tell if you are the driving equivalent of an idiot.  

- U-Turning when it's not you turn.

- Driving a Me Crazy on a road designated for cars and trucks.

- Slamming on the brakes while transporting wobbly ice cream cones.

- Pretending your car is a turd.

- Only driving North.

- Mistaking the Sun for an all day amber light.

- Following a bee.  Into the hive.  Becoming a drone.  

- Honking exclusively when you're horny

- Signaling only when you think it's "cool" to do so.

- Trying to make crossing guards laugh by nudging kids into the middle of the intersection with your SUV.

- Trying to even out that flat wheel by putting a drink coaster under it.  

- Humorously filling your gas tank with Jolt Cola just so when somebody points it out to you you can say "D'oh" in a Homer Simpson voice.

- When getting a speeding ticket you dump a can of beans out the driver's window so when the police officer walks up to your window you can say "Okay, who spilled the beans that I was speeding?" or "Lick up that slop, piggy."

Tall Man's Diary Entries

"Dear Diary, where are you?  Oh.  All the way down there."

"Dear Diary, today I did a slam dunk and nobody even cared, but then I picked up a quarter off the ground and they were all like "Whoa!  I didn't know you could do that."

"Dear Diary, was it man or beast that made me?"

"Dear Diary, today I lost my temper and scattered a cloud with my flailing arms."

"Dear Diary, I have a body length only a mother could love.  And the good people at Guinness."

"Dear Diary, it doesn't help that I have stubby toes."

"Dear Diary, if I'd been the first one on the moon I woulda said sumthin' like "One giant step for man, one giant leap for mankind, which is still only a small step for me."

"Dear Diary, they didn't say anything at the store, but I think my necktie is actually an old curtain."

"Dear Diary, thankfully that scare this morning was just snow and not grey hair."

"Dear Diary, I'm seriously considering jumping into space."

"Dear Diary, if you took all the leg bones out of my body and lined them up end to end they would wrap around the world three times, and yet I cry at the end of a good film just like all the normals."

"Dear Diary, I got another rejection letter from Webster's for my submission of the word "Tootall"."