Career Blogging

Want to find out how to make a living from blogging?  In this video I host episode 3 of a 100 part series on how to make your least wild dream come true. 

Confessions!

Hey, how's it going?  Why don't I just die?  The reason is so I can tell you about my recent exploits.

A couple days ago I did a favor for my Priest friend and filled in for him in the confessional booth while he went up north to a lake where "fuckin' nobody is around and you can just run around with no pants."  Anyway, I wrote down a bunch of the confessions I heard that day and am now going to break several levels of trust by showing you my favorites.  Bon appetit!

"I sold my wife a fake watch."

"I made my desktop wallpaper an image of marijuana."

"I transcribed an Adam Sandler sketch from his first CD and showed it to a guy at work."

"I smashed my friend's time machine out of jealousy."

"Lately my neighbor's been getting on my nerves so I threw a lightbulb at his window because I knew it would scare him but it wouldn't break his window."

"The guy at the Variety Store didn't notice I had brought up a pack of Twizzlers with a V8 fusion and only charged me for the fusion and I didn't correct him."

"I wrote the F word on a competitor's Go-Kart wheel."

"I took a french course for a full year because I had a crush on a married woman.  Where did I think it could go?  So stupid.  And she told me as much."

"I refer to my kids as "trolls" to all my friends."

"Whenever I get in a fight with my daughter I always call up my Dad and tell him that I wish he was never born so that I was never born so that my daughter was never born."  

"I hid up in a tree and yelled out "conformist" to everybody who walked by."

"At SEARS this weekend I put my phone number in all the women's jean's pockets that were in the size of the kind of woman I would like to meet."

"Even though I'm 36, this past Christmas eve I stayed up all night just to see once and for all that Santa doesn't exist.  I mean, I know he doesn't exist but just to make FOR SURE for sure.  Otherwise I'm just taking other people's word on it and to me that doesn't sound very scientific."

"I fired a gun at a cloud and accidentally killed a hang glider."

"I told a police officer I was speeding because I had diarrhea and he let me go, but the real reason was there was no reason."

Email Addresses And Their Passwords

Want an e-mail address and password but feel uninspired?  You're probably depressed to the point of no return, but don't fret!  Here's a list of ones of those that haven't been done yet!

Dr_Cohen@turnyourheadtotheleftandbarf.net

Pass: sillyfart

MisterMuffin@Mmmmmmmuffins.com

Pass: theblueberryonesareshitty

clubgirl696969@erave.ca

Pass: glowstick_soother_fuzzypants_blondedredlocks_and_sparkles

Fishinforcompliments@hotmail.com

Pass: isntthisadumbemailaddress

Stuckinmyhead@music.com

Pass: whoputtheramintheramalamadingdong

President@footlocker.com

Pass: morelikeshitlocker_heh_heh

healthnut@workout.com

Pass: fudgebrowniesundaesaucewithwhippedcreamandsprinkles

fireman@gmail.com

Pass: imdoingthisjusttobeinthecalander

Ways You Can Tell If Someone's a Cop

Does it seem like someone you know is a raging asshole?  Don't fret, they may just be an officer of the law.  Here are some ways you can tell for sure:

When they pull you over for speeding they are in a police car wearing a police uniform.

Their husband / wife hates them.

They get a boner watching people shoplift.  

Whenever someone tries to pass a joint to them at a party they say "No thanks, but it's not because I'm a cop or something.  I'm not a cop."  Then they ask to use a phone and five minutes later the cops show up.

Their google search history includes sites such as "stupid arrested faces", "hot arrested people", "black and white striped form hugging female pyjamas" and "do murderers sleep with cops?"

When you're out on a nature walk with them they say "Freeze asshole.  Isn't the view stunning?"

They tell you that the Police song "Every Breath You Take" is about a cop on a stakeout.

When you spit on the ground around them they say "Legally don't ever do that around me again."  

They say "finally" under their breath when Han Solo gets encased in carbonite, then "oh, come on." when he's freed.  

Whenever they walk past a pretty girl they say "I'd tase that."

When talking about the kind of girl they'd like to meet they say "Nobody too high maintenance, just somebody standard issue."

Bad Driving Maneuvers

Have you ever found yourself in outer space in your car?  Believe it or not, you are a bad driver then.  Here are other sure fire ways to tell if you are the driving equivalent of an idiot.  

- U-Turning when it's not you turn.

- Driving a Me Crazy on a road designated for cars and trucks.

- Slamming on the brakes while transporting wobbly ice cream cones.

- Pretending your car is a turd.

- Only driving North.

- Mistaking the Sun for an all day amber light.

- Following a bee.  Into the hive.  Becoming a drone.  

- Honking exclusively when you're horny

- Signaling only when you think it's "cool" to do so.

- Trying to make crossing guards laugh by nudging kids into the middle of the intersection with your SUV.

- Trying to even out that flat wheel by putting a drink coaster under it.  

- Humorously filling your gas tank with Jolt Cola just so when somebody points it out to you you can say "D'oh" in a Homer Simpson voice.

- When getting a speeding ticket you dump a can of beans out the driver's window so when the police officer walks up to your window you can say "Okay, who spilled the beans that I was speeding?" or "Lick up that slop, piggy."

Tall Man's Diary Entries

"Dear Diary, where are you?  Oh.  All the way down there."

"Dear Diary, today I did a slam dunk and nobody even cared, but then I picked up a quarter off the ground and they were all like "Whoa!  I didn't know you could do that."

"Dear Diary, was it man or beast that made me?"

"Dear Diary, today I lost my temper and scattered a cloud with my flailing arms."

"Dear Diary, I have a body length only a mother could love.  And the good people at Guinness."

"Dear Diary, it doesn't help that I have stubby toes."

"Dear Diary, if I'd been the first one on the moon I woulda said sumthin' like "One giant step for man, one giant leap for mankind, which is still only a small step for me."

"Dear Diary, they didn't say anything at the store, but I think my necktie is actually an old curtain."

"Dear Diary, thankfully that scare this morning was just snow and not grey hair."

"Dear Diary, I'm seriously considering jumping into space."

"Dear Diary, if you took all the leg bones out of my body and lined them up end to end they would wrap around the world three times, and yet I cry at the end of a good film just like all the normals."

"Dear Diary, I got another rejection letter from Webster's for my submission of the word "Tootall"."

New Charlie Kaufman Movies In Production

As many of you know, I have an uncle who works in Hollywood who gets me all kinds of inside information that you don't have access to.  Like did you know that Brad Pitt is really fat but they just paint him completely green and green screen him out of every movie he's in and superimpose this other actor in his place later so that all that's left of Brad Pitt is his acting?  

Well I also happen to know the titles of all these Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation, etc.) movies currently in production that I just can't wait to see.  Here they are in a very non-particular order:

 

• When In Roman Polanski
  

 

• If I Had a Nicholson For Every Time…
  

 

• Murder, She Wray Charles

• Being Martin's Shorts
  

• Helening for Hunt

 

• This Monkey’s Gone To Kevin (Spacey)
  

 

• I Wish I Was in Oscar Wilde’s Weiner
  

 

• Sinchslytrwoiqbvcmzaiopwpanzmcxnbvnbzvfg, New York

•  In a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a

Real Life Quotes

Sick and tired of hearing about the great things that great people have said that changed the world forever?  Well read on.  This is a not so great little collection of things that real people just like you have said, why they said them, but not how they said them.  You'll have to imagine the how part, but I think using the provided information you'll probably get it.  Don't quote me on that.

"You'll probably get it."  

-Aaron Eves' blog entry Jan. 25th, 2010

“Two can play this game.”  

-Nintendo’s CEO seeing Mariokart for the first time.  As he found out later, actually four can play this game.

 

“It sounds like it’s coming from up here.”  

-A woman and her friend just before they discover that the unsettling drafty, howling noise coming from the attic is just her husband hiding out listening to a Great Lake Swimmers album.

 

“Thanks a lot Mr. Smarty Pants.”  

-World Vision thanking Stephen Hawking for making a more than generous cash donation.

 

“Oh, thank God.”  

-A man who forgot to feed his cat in the morning coming home at lunch to discover that not only was his little Muffin still alive, but she also seemed to not give a fuck whether or not he was alive.

 

“I didn’t go to Harvard for this.”  

-Two space men in orbit around earth arguing over the last freeze dried neapolitan ice cream block.

 

“Mom and Dad gave it to both of us for our Birthday.”  

-Identical twins having another ownership debate.

 

“I love Nine Inch Nails.”  

-A Marilyn Manson fan.

 

“I think George Lucas’ CGI additions to the original Star Wars trilogy actually make it better.”  

-George Lucas

 

“Push me higher daddy!”  

-A little girl hugging her knees and making her father roll her up a hill. 

 

“I can keep this up as long as you can.”

-A teacher deflecting hundreds of little punches from the “problem kid” in her class.

 

“You don’t know the meaning of the word pain!”  

-A mother telling her newborn baby all the things he doesn’t know yet.

 

“I’m going to make you wish you were never born.”  

-A hypnotist getting back at an old high school bully.

My Favorite Greetings

How's up?  I really like bumping into people on the street, but my favorite part of the interaction is hearing their choice of greeting.  In no particular order, here is a short list of some of my favorite greetings.

"Hello."

"Hi."

"How's it going?"

"What's Up?"

"Well, well, well.  Who do we have here?"

"Hey guy."

"Hi-O."

"Hey Aaron, long time no see.  You look like you're hiding something."

"Aaron?  Sorry, you look so different I couldn't tell if it was you.  It's like you've aged 10 years in 2."

"What's the password?"

"Were you followed?"

"Are you a cop?"

"Frisk him, I'm not going to let another "yesterday" happen."

"Right this way Mr. Blank.  Your usual booth?  Are you expecting company or will it just be you and Miss... I'm sorry I didn't catch your name.  Yes sir, yes sir.  My apologies.  You are correct sir.  My own affairs.  Absolutely.  Yes.  Yes.  You are correct sir, I am a worthless mud creature.  Yes.  I agree.  I should die alone in a bog.  Yes, only flies will attend my funeral."

"You got the dough?  There you are, it's been a pleasure doing business with you Mr. uh... I didn't catch your name.  Blank?  Mr. Blank.  I like that.  Well, I'll just let myself ou...  Hey what is this?  Is this a SET UP?  IS THIS A GODDAMNED SET UP?!  You son of a bitch!  I trusted you!  I TRUSTED YOU!!!"  *

*followed by loud gunshots and screaming

"Bet you didn't expect to see me alive again, did you?  It's amazing how self sufficient the human body can be when it needs to.  Stop pretending you don't know what I mean by that."

"Hello Mr. Eves, did you enjoy the ride?  You look surprised that I know your real name.  Let's just say it's amazing the things Mr. Locke will say when you put a jelly fish near his face.  Welcome to your final resting place, I hope you're comfortable because you'll be spending all of eternity here so get comfortable now because you'll be here forever so I hope you're comfortable.  Good bye."  

Commercial Slogans From the Vault #1

Here is the first installment of long forgotten commercial slogans:

"No you fucking don't."  -Eggo Waffles

"Don't eat me because I'm beautiful."  -Pantene Shampoo

"Why's the beef?"  -Wendy's 

"Food, Folks and Cheques."  -McDonald's 

"I can't tell the difference?  Can you tell the difference?  Pray for a difference."  -ABC Detergent

"Melts in your mouth, not on your head."  -M&M's

"Because you're worth nothing."  -L'Oreal

"Roliads, splels releief."  -Rolaids

"Once you pop, you just can't breathe."  -Pringles

"Strong enough for Cerberus , but made for Orthrus."  -Secret Deodorant

"The Un-Coola."  -7 Up

"Skittles, tastes like Rambo."  -Skittles

"Obey your parents."  -Sprite

"Bounty, it's the quicker thicker chicker picker upper."  -Bounty

Wild New Years Party

I know not all of you could make it this year so I'll just fill you in on what went down at the AMAZING new years party at my place.  WARNING!!!  IT WAS AN AWESOME PARTY!!!

Tim made a "jube-jube tea".  Siiiiiiiiiiiiick!

During the 10 second countdown to new years Jeff acted like he was drunk (he couldn't drink that night because he had to be in at work the next morning).

Megan did a little dance.

Alison went home early because she's manic depressive.

Martin put on a bunch of my after shave and kissed my girlfriend in the dark.

Somebody smashed my toilet and carved a little swastika in the corner of my mirror.  Same person?    

The corner of my bedroom carpet was ripped up (looks intentional).  

All of my mugs were stolen even though I hid them in my attic before everybody arrived.  This is especially annoying because I specifically hid them so this wouldn't happen.

Somebody wrote the "F" word on the playing surfaces of all my DVD's except for "Fight Club" and "Seven" which they simply stole.

My car was jokingly blown up by some guys I didn't invite.

My dog got scared by the explosion and attacked my flatscreen TV I just bought myself for Christmas.  Damage not covered by warranty.  

A body outline was painted on my bed sheets in the exact spot where I sleep every night.  Right next to the outline was a bunch of empty bottles of "uppers" and "downers" and a fake suicide note supposedly written by me.  Ha ha you guys.  Very funny.

My shampoo bottle was filled with Anti-freeze and my conditioner bottle with bleach.  

My garage door has a half dozen bullet holes in it, which doesn't matter much since it was also bent in half and ripped off its hinges.  

All the remaining pages of my Autograph Book were supposedly signed by Michael Jackson and Kurt Cobain.